everyday i will wake with a damn fucked up feeling within me. and it wont change for a while. when the said fucked up feeling emerges as a huge sense of guilt. how the fuck will this change, please just fucking tell me. i dont fucking unload anymore and i wont. I WONT. i swore to myself i will NEVER "do things just to make you stay" so this, i will take on myself. i don't fucking deserve this, but who am i to say what i deserve? all i have to fucking do now is to occupy myself instead of just thinking of a fucking way to go through this fucked up shit. seriously. i will never again ask for anything. if a small thing cannot be accomplished, i am very sure this is way too much to ask for. i will just fuck my own life up. yours not included.


Al called me last week and i told him about my plans for a trip.
now, i just hope i emotionally recover in time for that. if not, i will just wreck my entire holiday.
and honestly, who the fuck wants to fuck up a trip to San Francisco? definitely not me.



its interesting how when i try to minimise your guilt, i pile on mine.

fuck i just cant stop crying every night.